Let Me Leave

This place has become dead to me
There used to be beauty
But now there’s nothing
Nothing but darkness and grey
Not enough to make me stay
And I want to leave

Black clouds blind my mind like depression raises its ugly head
Silent and unexpected
Is it always like this?
Depression and anxiety so crippling you want to scream?
Nothing comes out?
Nothing but the sound of my heart beating from being pounded too hard
A heavy pain
Crushing my lungs
And I want to leave

A heavy weight weighs on me
A dull constant ache
All over my body
It won’t go away
It’s always there
And it won’t leave
And I want to leave

Anxiety is like a ghost
Depression is like a ghost
It creeps up and is always there
It trains your brain to think things
You can’t control
It makes me want to leave

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David Luiz | The Man With The Biggest Heart in Football

I want to share a post about someone that I have admired for a long time and means a lot to me. I thought it was only right to share.
Let me start from the beginning to all of this.
It was September 14 1998, I was 16 and met my first boyfriend, who is a big Chelsea fan like me.
We’re not together any more but I’m not mentioning him in this. Things have changed a lot since those days.
Definitely.
I’ve been following Chelsea Football Club for 20 years.
I am so happy to be a big supporter of this amazing club, I have wonderful friends and I’m thrilled to be a part of it.
I love all my Chelsea friends, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I adore them to last a lifetime.
It’s worth everything.
I’m lucky to have become friends with so amazing people, and they know who they are.

Anyway, this will probably be a long blog, so get comfy.
Football is a funny old game and you get to see the good things like wins, celebrations with team-mates, new signings and all round happiness that comes with it.
But you get to witness the bad things too, red cards, horror injuries/tackles, fights and fan rivalry. I’ve seen so many things and trials and tribulations in football. I’m not phased by it and it’s not something I’d not seen before but I will say it stays with you. If anything, football goes one way or the other way. But it can be amazing too to see everything that comes with football. You can never know what will happen next. My dad isn’t a Chelsea fan at all but he keeps telling me that football is a funny old game and that you never know what comes next.
I’m fine about that.
I agree.

Chelsea Football Club continue to be my life.
I’ve seen it all firsthand, for sure.
All Chelsea fans have. We see every single thing, everything. That comes with being a Chelsea fan, and I could do a huge rant but I won’t.
But enough about me babbling.
Onto the point of me writing this post on my blog. I’m trying to explain as best I can, so bear with me.

I remember one day in 2012, I first laid eyes on this tall man with the Chelsea shirt on and the number 4. My immediate thought was, ‘ah I don’t think this guy will do much, I have my doubts, but we’ll see.’ It was an honest opinion I had in the back of my mind. Looking back I’m not convinced it would change anything. I was definitely proved wrong.
I laugh about it now because I had no clue of how much of an impact he’d make to the club.

His name was David Luiz and he was from Brazil.
He was tall with beautiful eyes and the curliest hair I ever saw.
His smile lit up the room when he walked into it.
I’m a Christian and to find out that he was a Christian too was amazing.
It was like I had made a friend.

Here’s the thing.
I had been in a very dark place before, but David has definitely managed to show me that, no matter how or what I’m feeling, it will and can get better. I found my smile again.
David never judges anyone for anything. He’s always so sweet and has so much love in him.
He has a heart of gold.
He never lets anything get him down and he’s so brave.
He’s a beautiful person and I truly believe he is the reason I am still alive today.

Thankyou David for always being so wonderful.
My light, my sparkle in my darkness.

Sophie

Sophie is a girl
Who is always misunderstood
Because she sees things differently
To everyone else
Her eyes see things
Other people don’t see
Metahphores and meanings
In a different light
To others

Sophie is a little lost soul
Her feelings are shown through
The intimate and thoughtful
Poetry she writes
Hidden away in a big leather notebook
Writing silently by dim candlelight
Finding solace and comfort in her pen
With ink as blue as midnight light

Sophie’s fingers ache from writing too much
Words that have spilled inside her mind
Like spilled ink
Yet
She continues writing

Beside Sophie
Is a glass of water
So clear that secrets start to unravel
Secrets that Sophie
Always kept secret
Until it’s blocked by poetry
And kept secret again

In This Skin

*Disclaimer – this was written on June 25 2018*

In this skin
I am all bones
Brittle and broken
From shattered glass
From fists pounding on window frames and doors
Unaware that they are broken
And damaged
I am not my body
Because my bones and brittle and broken anyway

I am not my flaws
Nor am I my mistakes
In this skin I am more than that
What creates me
What moves me
In this skin
I am more than that

In this skin I am not who talks to me
Who wants to know my name
Or where I am from
Or who wants to try and know me
In this skin
I am my mistakes and flaws
I am not showing who I am
I am not showing who I am because in this skin
I am me
In this skin I am things that make me human
Blood, bones, tissue
But I am not how people choose to see or look or picture me
In this skin
I am free

In this skin
There is so much more
To me
Than what you see
In this body
Covered in thick flesh
That binds
My bones
My blood
My brain and tissue together
How I am
But now how people think of me
My flesh holding me together
Always reminds me
A little bit
Of him.

Bookstores

I like bookstores
Because it’s a safe haven
For me to escape to
Surrounded by all kinds of literature
Known by everyone

Bookstores make me feel happy
On rainy days
When the rain falls heavy from those grey dark clouds
Coming clean
And always needing
A place to hide

Bookstores make me feel surrounded in love
By pages once plain nut now tattooed
With languages and words
Only book obsessives and book addicts can understand
And I see why
Bookstores are a safe haven for book lovers

Bookstores are filled with love
When I walk into one
I’m at my most happiest
Because
Bookstores are for book lovers

(C)Kateelizabethxo 2018 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

You Are Like My Home

You have a smile
That lights everything up
When you walk over to me
Even on your sad days
You have a smile that lights everything up

Your smile is like a lightbulb
That switches on instantly when you’re here
And then quickly dims
When you’re not

You always smile
To make me smile when I’m sad on my sad days
Your smile to me
Is like home
Because you are like my home

Grey Skies and Gloomy Beaches

This beach is so familiar
When people come to visit
Children laughing
Dogs running with sticks in their mouths
Having the time of their lives
And leaving their paw prints in the sand
Until waves wash them away

Setting foot on this beach
Everything smells like salt
From getting the sea in your throat from swallowing too much
Leaving that salty taste
Until it goes away

The sky changes from blue to grey
The clouds change to different shapes
This beach is gloomy
Instead of sunny
My footprints that I had left in the sand are nothing but a distant memory of things I once knew
My footprints are now gone
Because the tide washed it clean
And now
There’s nothing left

It’s now cold on this beach
The sun has gone into hiding
Slipping into the clouds that were once white but now grey
Afraid to come out
Staying where they are
But not in the light
But back into the dark

As I step off the beach
I can’t help but smile
When the tide arrives
To guard the footprints I had left in the sand