A Boy From Japan

I fell in love
With a Japanese boy
He had the sweetest smile I ever did see
He had eyes that looked different
To normal people’s eyes
Cool eyes
Quirky eyes
He is quirky cool
He is perfection in every single way
I love him
For all that he is

He doesn’t see me
He doesn’t know I am there
I’m wondering
If he even knows I’m alive
Does my existence
Mean anything at all?

I fell in love
With a Japanese boy
That doesn’t even know that I’m alive
I know him
I’m starting to know him
I’m starting to play a game with him
But I’m not finding this game fun
I’m done

I’m in love with a boy from Japan
And he is worth everything

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Elemental

I am so glad I didn’t fuck that up
As if I had anything to fuck up to begin with
Yeah right
That is not me
I am better than this
Where everything that feels fucked up
Feels elemental
But that’s alright with me
I am not where I left myself

I can feel everything crashing around me
All around me
Am I missing something
Or is that just me?
probably
It’s terrible isn’t it?
How tragic
I feel missing
Everything feels like it’s missing
And I don’t know why
I am not where I left myself

Everything feels like it’s missing and it makes me sad because it’s always missing
Nothing stays the same and nothing lasts forever
Pushing me away
Leaving me alone

There was a time where I would give up every piece of me for someone else
Scratching at my skin
To reveal all the secrets
Hidden within my blood
But there’s nothing there and I can’t feel a thing
I try to remember it
But I can’t seem to picture things running through my mind
It keeps me quiet
I would have forgot everything like everything forgot me

A Mental Health Talk

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

January 19, 2019
A MENTAL HEALTH TALK

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

A few days ago I posted that quote on my Instagram because I like it a lot. It’s a great quote. But that’s not what I am going to be writing about in today’s blog post. I hope I can explain this as best I can and I really hope this can help anyone who needs a bit of cheering up. This is going to be quite a long post, so grab a cup of tea and get comfy.
Mental illness is something we all struggle with on a daily basis. It’s a difficult situation everyone finds themselves in. It is a struggle and can be a struggle. We all struggle and find it hard to control. Emotions start to run high. Emotions start going crazy and can’t do anything. We feel like a waste of space and feeling that we are failing, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.
I mentioned what being happy felt like, in an old blog post of mine, and I admit I was struggling to get everything all written down, and it all came out. My mind was on autopilot. My mind went crazy. I can’t take control of my own thoughts at the best of times. I understood it all. Everything I was writing made sense, because I was the one writing it.
It was a very dark moment in my mental health. A battle I am always constantly fighting. I had health problems but got through it. If you hit a problem, you can get past that and start working on it.
I was fighting a very painful breakup which was dark and really difficult. I was at a low point. A very low point, and it hurt. But if it hurts you can grow from it. We all make mistakes, we’re all human, we’re not perfect. We do try and learn from making mistakes. Breakups are awful, but you move on and start to be happy again with someone new. I posted a Tumblr post about being with someone who is good for your mental health. I stand by that and I don’t deny that. I’m not denying I’ve had mental health battles because we all do.
We all just need to be that little bit kinder.
We all just need to be that little bit softer. If only the world was like that.
The world is cruel. Everyone knows it. I know it. The world constantly plays games. I hate it.
Mental health is not something to be ashamed about. Society always seems to have this stupid, messy, fucked up idea of what it wants us to do or what or who it wants us to be and that is plain wrong. Society absolutely fucking sucks and I just want to throw it in the trash. Be who you are, stay true to who you are and that won’t be taken away from you. I get so annoyed at how society treats other people. It makes us feel like we’ve failed when we haven’t, it makes me fuming. Battling through mental illness doesn’t make you a failure – it just means you’re dealing with it in your own way.
My beautiful girlfriend has her own situations but I’m not going to go into details with that. We keep our relationship private. We intend on keeping it that way. But I am 100% so proud of her. All I can do is continue to love and support her as much as I do right now. Support is key with someone with mental health problems. Don’t be a dick and ignore it, offering support can mean so much. More than they can ever know.
If you know someone that is struggling with mental health, I want you to know that you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to talk to family or friends about what you’re going through or how you feel about anything. Don’t bottle it up or be scared to say something. It might not feel like it but it does and can and will get better. I promise. Yes, mental health is part of our everyday life but it shouldn’t stop us from being happy.
My good longtime friend Richard, but I always call him Rick, always helps me with my mental health. He has never judged me and I am so grateful having him and his family in my life. Little things that are unexpected mean so much to me. Friendship like that really makes me smile. I believe our friendship will last forever. Thank you for helping me. Having you as a friend is comforting. It comforts me knowing that.
I have so much love and admiration for people battling mental illness, whatever it may be.
Makes me so so so proud.
Keep pushing through.
Show your illnesses who’s in charge and most importantly keep fighting!
You got this.
You are in charge of your own happiness guys.
Fight off your own demons.
It can and will get better. You just have to believe it.
But, like I said before in this blog post, I want you to know that you are not alone in all this. My mental health makes me feel alone, of course, but I’m learning from my experiences and you can too.

Picture something that makes you happy. Flowers make me happy. Find something to start doing and keep doing it. You never know what you might achieve. So yeah, that is my mental health blog post. I hope that everything I’ve said helps. I love you all. Kate xx.

Storms

What does a storm make you think of?
When the sky starts to turn black
And clouds fade
From white to dark grey
I suppose I will never know

Are storms playing games
To get the rain to start falling
Those bursts of thunder
Those flashes of lightning playing games to see
How nature tests everything

It’s shocking
How beautiful storms can sometimes be
How they look
How they feel
And how they act

Let Me Leave

This place has become dead to me
There used to be beauty
But now there’s nothing
Nothing but darkness and grey
Not enough to make me stay
And I want to leave

Black clouds blind my mind like depression raises its ugly head
Silent and unexpected
Is it always like this?
Depression and anxiety so crippling you want to scream?
Nothing comes out?
Nothing but the sound of my heart beating from being pounded too hard
A heavy pain
Crushing my lungs
And I want to leave

A heavy weight weighs on me
A dull constant ache
All over my body
It won’t go away
It’s always there
And it won’t leave
And I want to leave

Anxiety is like a ghost
Depression is like a ghost
It creeps up and is always there
It trains your brain to think things
You can’t control
It makes me want to leave

David Luiz | The Man With The Biggest Heart in Football

I want to share a post about someone that I have admired for a long time and means a lot to me. I thought it was only right to share.
Let me start from the beginning to all of this.
It was September 14 1998, I was 16 and met my first boyfriend, who is a big Chelsea fan like me.
We’re not together any more but I’m not mentioning him in this. Things have changed a lot since those days.
Definitely.
I’ve been following Chelsea Football Club for 20 years.
I am so happy to be a big supporter of this amazing club, I have wonderful friends and I’m thrilled to be a part of it.
I love all my Chelsea friends, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I adore them to last a lifetime.
It’s worth everything.
I’m lucky to have become friends with so amazing people, and they know who they are.

Anyway, this will probably be a long blog, so get comfy.
Football is a funny old game and you get to see the good things like wins, celebrations with team-mates, new signings and all round happiness that comes with it.
But you get to witness the bad things too, red cards, horror injuries/tackles, fights and fan rivalry. I’ve seen so many things and trials and tribulations in football. I’m not phased by it and it’s not something I’d not seen before but I will say it stays with you. If anything, football goes one way or the other way. But it can be amazing too to see everything that comes with football. You can never know what will happen next. My dad isn’t a Chelsea fan at all but he keeps telling me that football is a funny old game and that you never know what comes next.
I’m fine about that.
I agree.

Chelsea Football Club continue to be my life.
I’ve seen it all firsthand, for sure.
All Chelsea fans have. We see every single thing, everything. That comes with being a Chelsea fan, and I could do a huge rant but I won’t.
But enough about me babbling.
Onto the point of me writing this post on my blog. I’m trying to explain as best I can, so bear with me.

I remember one day in 2012, I first laid eyes on this tall man with the Chelsea shirt on and the number 4. My immediate thought was, ‘ah I don’t think this guy will do much, I have my doubts, but we’ll see.’ It was an honest opinion I had in the back of my mind. Looking back I’m not convinced it would change anything. I was definitely proved wrong.
I laugh about it now because I had no clue of how much of an impact he’d make to the club.

His name was David Luiz and he was from Brazil.
He was tall with beautiful eyes and the curliest hair I ever saw.
His smile lit up the room when he walked into it.
I’m a Christian and to find out that he was a Christian too was amazing.
It was like I had made a friend.

Here’s the thing.
I had been in a very dark place before, but David has definitely managed to show me that, no matter how or what I’m feeling, it will and can get better. I found my smile again.
David never judges anyone for anything. He’s always so sweet and has so much love in him.
He has a heart of gold.
He never lets anything get him down and he’s so brave.
He’s a beautiful person and I truly believe he is the reason I am still alive today.

Thankyou David for always being so wonderful.
My light, my sparkle in my darkness.

Sophie

Sophie is a girl
Who is always misunderstood
Because she sees things differently
To everyone else
Her eyes see things
Other people don’t see
Metahphores and meanings
In a different light
To others

Sophie is a little lost soul
Her feelings are shown through
The intimate and thoughtful
Poetry she writes
Hidden away in a big leather notebook
Writing silently by dim candlelight
Finding solace and comfort in her pen
With ink as blue as midnight light

Sophie’s fingers ache from writing too much
Words that have spilled inside her mind
Like spilled ink
Yet
She continues writing

Beside Sophie
Is a glass of water
So clear that secrets start to unravel
Secrets that Sophie
Always kept secret
Until it’s blocked by poetry
And kept secret again