exhausted

i am exhausted
exhausted from the pain of being so tired that you can’t find an explanation as to why
the pain of exhaustion is heavy in my eyes
and i find it hard keeping them open
that even sleep is exhausting
every day is a struggle
a struggle to get out of bed in the morning
i face every morning
to lift the covers of my bed
off from me
is so mundane

i’m losing a battle i’m never winning
i’m not sure how i feel
i keep trying to push away my demons
but they keep clawing at the door
trying to get in
but my door is locked

outside is dark
but the light is there, always there, trying to break through
but it comes in anyway
i’m so tired
i’m not sure about anything
because depression is like a demon that i’m always
constantly fighting
and i want it all to stop pounding away
like a bad headache
i try to make it stop
but it won’t
i’m sick
sick to my brain

i was five years old
when my family went away
i was stuck in a void
i couldn’t push away
i didn’t really understand why my family decided to go away
i was too young to realize that
i was cold
and frightened and all on my own
wondering
what i did wrong
but i was so young, i didn’t know any better
i was a child
and even then
i wasn’t aware of who i was

i am exhausted to think this way
i am very tired to focus
i don’t want to feel these feelings of
loneliness and regret
i am tired of it all
i am sick of fighting all these demons and falling victim to their way of thinking and i hate it
i feel empty
i feel more alone than i’ve ever come to know
and it’s like a record on repeat every day

i keep seeing things in black and white
i don’t really understand that either
i don’t really understand anything any more
instead this is all replaying in my messed up anxiety ridden mind
i feel sad

my head hurts
my throat is dry
my eyes are exhausted from being crushed from this crippling weight from depression and anxiety
i’m trying to explain
what anxiety feels like
and it’s smothering me
anxiety is a drug for which there is no cure
and i feel like depression is getting dangerous the more i rely on it
maybe that’s why i don’t enjoy being surrounded by individuals
because i don’t like people expecting so much of me and who they expect me to be

i am totally and completely exhausted
with crippling negativity
i’ve too much on my mind lately
and sleep
is my only salvation.

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Author: kateelizabethxoxo

Blogger and Writer

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