cold tiles cold floor

i’m lying in my bathroom yet again
my body stained with bruises
i have no recollection of why or how i got them
it’s burning my body
like a candle
i can’t remember
i’m lonely
i’m frightened and i’m tired
i cannot stop this torture in my head
i cannot stop this searing agony in my body
my clouded mind
i am superglued to this floor
that feels cold and alone
my bath water has gone cold
like rain drops from the skies
of clouds of sulphur and melancholia
nothing feels alright any more
my mind is a cloud of sadness and nothingness
i’m not sure who i am any more
i feel distant from this world
there’s too much sadness residing within me

it’s raining against my windows again
that sound i always hear
whenever gloomy days arrive
i’ve always loved the rain and how it sounds
running down my window panes
i forget the pain in my body
the rain makes me forget how much i hurt
but the skies are still grey
and the rain is still falling
tapping on the glass
like two people having an argument

i’m still lying on my bathroom floor
i try to scream
but nothing comes from my voice
i feel the weight of an anvil
heaving on my back
but if weightlifting anvils was an olympic sport
it would win the gold medal
but there’s no one
to lift this anvil from my body
i am blocking it out
is this a dream?
is this a dream?

6 hours and i am still on my own
i feel more alone than i’ve ever been
i can’t describe the way that feeling feels
and i’m struggling
struggling to breathe
gasps for air
feeling like i’m underwater
feeling like i’m drowning into someone else i don’t recognize
but i know her name
but i know who she is
and i am terrified of her
i try to disconnect myself from her
i cannot get away, i fear she’s trying to kill me
i’m scared of her
will i ever escape this feeling of drowning?

i wake up
from my nightmare that took control of me
it was something only my eyes could see
i feel sick, oh so sick
that feeling of drowning still in my mind
i still feel weighted
by feeling alone and afraid
my bathroom is still the same
my bathroom has always called my name
my bathroom is my home
my heart is not a prison any longer
the rain has finally stopped
the sun is out
and it reminds me of happiness
i am drawn to the sun
it intervened with the rain
clearing away every single dark cloud out of my brain like a demon trying to force its way through my door again
finally i am in my bed
caressed in my bedsheets
and suddenly i am not so alone.

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Author: kateelizabethxoxo

Blogger and Writer

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