depression is my ghost

i’m in my bed alone and weak
from that crippling thing
known as anxiety once again
taking me over in waves
weighing me down like a ton of bricks
crushing my brain
contorting in pain
i’m miserable
i can’t get up from my bed
demons running around my head laughing like it’s a playground
i keep telling myself i’m fine
but i’m not fine at all
room spinning from stress
wanting to throw up
except nothing comes out
the sunlight hurts my head
as it shines through the curtains of my window in my bedroom
blinding me
making it difficult to see

depression is playing on my mind
trying to break in
many many times before
only this time it’s got in
causing havoc with my mind
i scream silently inside
to make this agony stop
but it never stops
i’m being smothered
i’m being suffocated by this anxiety
heavy in my mind
my aching bones feeling like they’re breaking
but not really
my days are always sad
i am unable to change it
i don’t feel the way i used to any more
i feel like a burden
i’m sorry i am like i am
horrid things are haunting me
trying to weigh me down
trying to make me defeated
clouding who i am as a person

outside has turned old and grey
i can’t see a thing
there’s too much darkness
and it’s covered my eyes
depression it’s all your fault
i hate you
for taking my whole being
destroying it for your own needs
get away from me
go away
i don’t want you anywhere near me
i don’t want you around me

the word depression
ringing in my ears
telling me i’m fine
when i’m not there
i can’t shake it off
stuck on my fingers
its voice shouting at me to come back
but i keep on running

my legs won’t seem to stop
i feel as if i’m running on a path of hot coals
keeping going
without stopping
i’m leaving this place
i’m not safe here
depression is catching up
gaining on me
grabbing at me with both hands
i need to get away from this place
somewhere new

i’m running in the direction of a train station
hoping to catch the last train
i wonder if it will take me
to where i want to go
i’m very unsure of it all
i’m trapped in my own anxiety
this void i am in and constantly fighting with
is making me scream
and no one hears me

i’m fully aware my anxiety is trying to fight me
no matter how bad it is
but i am still drowning
in my own battles
i’m trying
god, i’m trying
i’m trying
but it hurts
it really really fucking hurts
oh my god, anxiety really fucking hurts

anxiety is like a leech
sticking to things like glue
sucking things dry
making a mark
staining surfaces with teethmarks
and we all know
leeches are parasites
always sticking to things that are not theirs to stick on to

depression always knows people better than they know themselves
my depression definitely knows me
silently fucking me
like a seraphim
contaminating my soul
like polluted dishwater and silage
and it smells nasty
mixing in scummy lies
like bad luck
waiting for depression’s next fuck
depression is always finding something else to claim as their victim
getting away with anything
playing havoc with its emotions
depression you are a dirty liar
and you don’t give a shit
how much damage you do

you don’t care
you don’t care if you upset someone
or hurt someone’s feelings
you care about nothing
you care about destroying everything you touch
laughing
giggling like children in trouble at school
trying to get away
with it until being punished is dished out
no matter how small or big
depression – zero
me – one

i am on the train
ready to go to my new destination
trying to find myself in this new place
to face this brand new challenge
alone on my own
hoping to carry on searching for whatever it is i am searching for
i will let you know when i do
i am waiting for the train to go
i’m scared
but excited for the newness awaiting me
and what is waiting for others like me
i’m excited for them too

the train starts to move at last
finally pulling out and away from the station
i’m complete
i am finally me again
i am finally free
rid of that anxiety and depression that had been holding me prisoner
for years
depression is no longer my enemy
depression is no longer my guard
depression is not my ghost any more
i am no longer a slave to its hold either
i raise my middle finger
up in triumph
letting anxiety and depression both realize
that i got one over on them

finally
i am here
right where i intended to be
there are still things to figure out
but i can do it
i’m on a mission
to find peace in this new place
facing battles has been tough
and i know
i am strong enough to walk away at last

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Author: kateelizabethxoxo

Blogger and Writer

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